Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dunkin' Dream

Dunkin' was in my dream briefly last night. I was unaware of him in the dream. I expected him to be there, part of my daily life as he once was for almost 8 years. I awoke satisfied, just wishing that I could have noticed him running circles happily in my dream. I should have picked him up and loved him. Instead, a large black fluffy cat with white paws made a bed of my face. The cat rubbed its face and white muzzle all over my mouth and cheeks repeatedly. I fell asleep in my dream to this large cat loving me in its cat way. In real life I would have sneezed it off of me as I am allergic to cats. Either way, I recall feeling so much affection. Just what I needed to generate in my own brain I suppose. I miss Dunkin's affection. I miss showing him mine. This is why all of my friends are getting longer hugs and why I am like a lost child looking for who I can hug next.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Buddhist path

In the darkness of grieving a traumatic loss I am fortunate to have made several friends here and in other states/ countries. these friends are what help me dry my tears and keep my chin up. Sometimes all I need is a hug, just some body to hold me. It's a new thing, my hugging has changed somewhat. I really like to hug back even more than I used to. It's like I need it all over my skin and my center.

I miss the daddy of course... nightly, that has not changed. I also miss my sense of Independence with him. Dunkin' was bigger than I think he ever knew. My hands have not tingled this week, hurrah. I am rubbing them a lot, the muscles feel a bit tight. I do enjoy when someone rubs my hands and arms just right.

Dunkin' gave me my daily hug dose.. Without him, I am going through withdrawal and depression...with grace, I must add. The house of cards was destroyed and now I have to pick up the deck and make sense of it all again. Except key cards are always gone with Dunkin' actually really gone from my life. In the aftermath, what matters are hugs from good people, honesty with myself, and the gentle kindness that I am receiving from friends new and old and for that, I am grateful.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


They say time heals all wounds. Well, so far, the pain has not even subsided. I am not crying all day at my desk and that is only because I am forcing myself not to. I was talking to someone at lunch today, a compassionate person. It was nice to know that others feel compassion for all living things as I do. I knew it would come up, Dunkin's story and my story as I watched a squirrel accost a woman for her purse full of peanuts. What did I expect, this is Manhattan.

I cried in front of a stranger for lunch. I did it this weekend at the basenji meet up as well. Toy poodles jumped on me as if I had some secret poodle treat. They hung around me and my lap as I told my story to 2 women, dog owners. They both had tears in their eyes. It pains me to see people react that way and then I remember, wait... this happened to me.

As I am sitting on the bench at lunch and I feel the sting. My chest and abdomen sting, like an open wound with alcohol being poured into it at a steady rate. The pain I feel for Dunkin' not being in my life due to the horrific actions of S.D Soto and his fellow DPS officers astounds me. I feel like the fabric of my soul is torn and tender, exposed to the moment, to the pain that is my loss of my dearest best friend on Earth. It feels as if someone is pouring on the pain, the sting sets in my chest and burns from a place that is deeper than any heartburn anyone has endured. This reaches my spirit and twists it in its most vulnerable stage. I hope I can get over this pain... until now, time has done nothing for me.

Friday, September 11, 2009

MS not right

Something is wrong with my body. It is mourning and grieving the loss of my best friend and healer. Last night I went out to distract myself from the rough days I've had. It was fashion night, lots of models and actors all over Broadway. Bond street, my favorite in the city, looked unrecognizable with all the "euro trash" (not what I think of them, but that's the term that's used) lining the streets. I walked by Liv Shrieber I think is his name. Dinorah and I got to a store and were looking around. My left hand, the pinky and ring finger began to cramp incredibly. It was so painful that I held my breath and tried my best to ignore the sharp pain shooting up my arm and really digging in to the fingers. I didn't tell my friend what was happening. It's a sign of weakness to me. I can handle physical pain.

This morning I have a bruise from the damage on my veins. One would think I banged it on something very hard. It was the vein, maybe vessel burst, I don't know. I was doing nothing out of the ordinary, just walking. You can see it in my crappy phone pic, the left pinky the top knuckle. It is darker. Bruised.

The one thing out of the ordinary is my mental state. I am devastated. Even my family does not know what to do. I just have to keep walking, fighting through cramping hands for now. It pales in comparison to my broken spirit.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

It's overwhelming me

Yesterday and today, I am overwhelmed with pain and longing. This was so wrong. This should not have happened if the car rental agency just put me in a car that was CLEAR to be driven. Dunkin' should be alive. It's just killing me right now. I sit and I do not move a muscle. Tears, heavy pain soaked clear tears escape my eyes and I'm not even whimpering. They just collect there until everything is blurry and they fall with their own weight. I've never cried so much in all of my life as I have these past 2 months.

The only thing that pulls me back is the love I have received from friends and family and adopted families all over the globe. I had to call my brother in the middle of a crisis minutes ago... I feel like I'm spinning out of control in my mind. I do not know what to do with myself. I went to the bathroom and cried, the grieving was going to escape one way or another. I sunk onto the floor and the crying continued. I have to pull myself together. I know I can, but I was just adding photos to the FaceBook Causes page at

Seeing him again, how happy we were... it brought his love right back to me, then I realize, I can't touch that scruffy neck again or feels his weight push against my body to get closer when we hug. I wont be able to see or hear him drink water again. And it should not have turned out this way if it were not for the gross negligence and abuse by the Department of Public Safety. I can't believe they are called the DPS. What a farse. I have never felt more UNSAFE in my life.