March

My left arm and hand buzzes. The irght hand and fingers get cold and warm with no notice. I sometimes cannot even find the time to react to the changes in my skin temperature as it happens so quickly. Sometimes is stays for a few minutes, other times, seconds, and other times, hours. I have no fear of these symptoms, I just am mindful of them.

My skin hurts on my hands. A patch of skin on my right thigh was burning last night, and all evening. It's annoying wearing pants, or anything that touches that part of my leg but what can you do? I just ignore it as much as possible.

I still cry for Dunkin. I still can't believe this is my reality. I still cannot stop feeling scared and traumatized by those inhumane men that day. I find it hard to understand time still..or maybe, I finally understand it. It feels like 5 minutes ago that Dunkin was alive, it feels like I just had his large paws in my hands or on my shoulders. 5 minutes ago he was here, 5 minutes ago people could have used cognitive thinking skills, 5 minutes ago Dunkin could have been safely removed from a vehicle as he was a service animal. 5 minutes... so far away. Never to return.

2010 still gray

Nice peaceful new year for me. Spent quietly, been with myself for weeks, reflecting. I realize what I need and want, what I hope to accomplish on earth etc. I truly want people to respect animals from the early stages of their development. This is very important to me. This is more important to me ultimately than my own personal happiness in the traditional sense.

My left hand and arm are still buzzing constantly. When I dance especially. When I punch, When I move my head pretty much...as I am typing, when I look at the keyboard... BUZZZZZZ all over my left arm and hand and my body as well.

I cried a few hours ago. Just had this thought about my boy. Dunk's face. His presence. It was real. I had it. He was my life. He was here. He brought me unconditional love. I lived off of his love for years, all of my family and friends know what he means to me. I realize, as months pass and my longing for him remains unfettered, that the pain of a great loss never goes away...you just learn to live with it. Kind of like Multiple Sclerosis and this buzzing which is due to the emotional stress of having to watch soulless humans kill my service animal before my eyes while I am handcuffed in the middle of the damn desert in a heat box surrounded by GLASS no less with no air to breath. Yeah, it's something like that.

Ouch.

I feel likeI feel like I'm living multiple lives and none are my own.

Now I am in this body that buzzes and tingles and snaps in shock when I move my head. When you hit your elbow and it makes that annoying and painful sting in the funny bone, it goes away eventually. This is what my whole body feels like, especially my left side of my body. If I move my head at a normal rate, my body feels like it was just zapped with electricity from a foreign body and yet, it is all inside of my own body. My hand gets the most of that shock. Dunkin' used to lick it well, and the love involved healed me.

Normally I snap out of it and get happy. Missing Dunkin' is not happiness. I did a lot of missing him and crying this week. I just want my balance back. Physically, I want to walk normally and not feel like I'm falling to the right, emotionally, I just want my heart and soul to heal from the shock that is still inside of me.

Coat me

I am Living in the Present State of Numbness.

Dunkin' Tears

Thanksgiving is around the corner and Dunkin' would always be the 1st to eat. I always made him his plate of thanksgiving food, with stuffing, gravy and all the trimmings. How he would eat until he was the size of the bird itself, then he would sleep the rest of the day. He deserved my love for many years. I deserved his. I am thankful every moment I breath that the Dunk was in my life and that he will always be part of me.

I also thank karma for in knowing that karma exists, I also know the people who extinguished Dunkin's light are already paying for their deeds. It is not even in my hands. I can only control my state and I do the best I can. I miss you dear boy. Momma misses you at night, and I know you know it. How I miss those long dog legs and that sound you made in gratitude of hugs and smiles. Wish I had you now to help out with my left hand again. It's not looking too happy and it's feeling a bit blue, tingly, and numb sometimes. I fight it, Dunkin'. I do what I know how to and it's just a lot more difficult without you near.

Too Many Tears Have Had To Fall

Phoenix's song "If I Ever Feel Better" pretty much sums me up.



I'm at the point of thinking... IF I ever feel better. I do sometimes. Sometimes.


My hands are lovely, they brush my hair and my teeth, they can thread a needle, they elegantly lift items and wash dishes, they type and allow me to express myself. My hands are milky peach and scarred in my right ring finger, there is a ring on my left middle finger, I adorn my wrist with a Frida Kalho bracelet and I have other scars from art projects, one when I was in the 4th grade carving a stamp, another when I was doing a mural in Arizona, both are on my thumbs. My veins show through my translucent skin and there is some metal inside one of my fingers to it would mend correctly at one point. And now, these lovely hands are weak.

All I can do is rub them, flex them, message them and start feeling better. I wish I could dip them in purple paint and watch it drip down to my elbows. My hands want to be playdough, a bright blue or lively green. They want to be lace, my petite hands, covered in lace and sipping on tea in the middle of Deadwood, South Dakota. My hands want to feel the buttery softness of a child's skin, the warmth of a man's elegant hand on mine, the silky trusses of my hair, the bark of a tree. I am thankful for my hands and thankful that Dunkin' used to know when I needed them licked. Dunkin' used to know. Dunkin' would lick the forhand, exactly where it was weak, or numb. He brought me such hope. They killed my hope in Arizona. No wonder my hands are weak. No wonder my spirit is wounded. No wonder I hope to feel better and be reminded to so spend some good time with you.

There are things in my life I can't control, I feel the chaos around me, a thing I dont try to deny, I better learn to accept that, there's a part of my life that will go away.- Phoenix

Happy Birthday, Dunkin'

Today would be your 8th birthday, love. How we celebrated for 7 years and had so many parties and cherished times. I remember your face glow with the candle on a cupcake in front of your brown face. I'm yearning for your love again, your innocence and protection. You were so happy with me. You literally smiled at times, so many times. I wish I would have powers to bring you back, I would use them. What's the point in even saying that, Dunkin'. Oh Dunkin', my Dunkin' dog. Some people don't get it, and some others really do. Either way, you are 8 now, somewhere, in my world, I will sing for you today. Happy birthday to you dear Dunkin'. My little man, little lovely life that touched me with love just at the sight of you. My organs want to jump out of my body sometimes in such despair. My stomach, the heart organ, they hurt when I walk around or sit and think about how we were torn apart. The tears that fall heavily onto my lap splatter like stars because they are SO heavy. Why even write when a picture is worth more.

Happy Birthday my little love. I miss you and granny and gramps and Rudy love and miss you too. I can only wish to feel you again, somewhere.